i feel like im falling apart, i thought i was doing ok yesterday, now i feel like i can barely breath. Matt went to work today(as he should) and i feel like i am 2 breaths away from a panic attack. depression SUCKS! it sucks the life out of you i just really want to take to my bed. I had a blessing on wednesday and now im sure the person who helped Matt thinks/knows i am a basket case i was just sobbing and sobbing i didnt even get out of bed they had to give it to me while i was lying down. then i did something so selfish it makes me ashamed ,i got matt to call my mom it was 4am for them. Im sure hearing me like that must have hurt her so much and i am so sorry, i shouldnt have done it. Matt even called a doctor because prior to the sobbing i was totally unresponsive - he thought i might have overdosed on something -luckily im not that stupid. but while i was sobbing he thought the next step was hospital. I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO A PYSCH WARD. I just want to have no responsibility and make no decisions -so exactly what the hospital would do but while being at home, granted i may be that far gone that hospital sounds appealling but i just feel unable to make any decisions and the weight of responsibility seems to be crushing me i just cant take it. I hate hate hate the idea of the stigma attached to that, depression is bad enough without being a certifiable nutcase too. The problem is at home when i dont do anything it makes me feel guilty. i just spent about 20 mins convincing myself i needed to unload the dishwasher and only managed the top shelf how sad is that , maybe i should be proud of myself for unloading anything but realistically im just dissapointed in myself that i couldnt do the whole thing ITS ONLY A FLIPPEN DISHWASHER.
I have stopped pretending to care what i look like im wearing my most comfy pants and the ones i have on right now i think i have worn all week gross right, i dont remember when i had a shower it might have been sunday . i am also wearing a blouse since i couldnt find a half decent tshirt to wear(within in arms reach of the bed anyway) yeah im that behind on laundry and i have alot of clothes. If you know me at all you know how much i love music how much it helps my mood and how if the music is on i am singing to it. Lately i havent listened to any music and now i have started to put it on wether i want to or not and sometimes i even manage to convince myself to sing. but there is no joy in it not even that the one thing that has always helped me isnt working any volunteers to come tack care of me. Im crying and i dont want to ask matt to come home.
Im starting to believe its never going to end .will i ever find joy again, will i ever be happy