depression

sometimes like now i really just want to go hide from the world, sometimes i wish i could go to my bed and never leave, If i did that i would die there. but does that mean its a bad thing?
my laundry gets done about once a month if i can convince myself to do it, i have to fight with myself to do laundry clean the house do the dishes sometimes taking a shower is asking to much. the barrier may not be visable to you but when i get up off my behind to go do chores it is like there is a physical barrier between me and the chore i have to do this is what ifight against

The lack of motivation is such a huge part and parcel of depression , and to be honest i attribute death of a depressed person quite a bit to lack of motivation. Like i said i wish i could go to bed and never leave but logically i know that if i decide to do that or rather if i give up the fight, i will in short be signing my death certificate
lack of motivation to get up in the morning finding something to live for is so unbearably hard when you find no Joy or happiness around you when the things you used to do that you once loved enjoyed or looked forward too now seem dull mundane boring and uninspiring

then you have those who profess 'lose yourself in others and you will find yourself...' blah blah blah yes sometimes serving others plays a part in how you feel about yourself. But knowing that the act of service you sign up for or decide to do is going to require you to fight , means that you are aware that there is a chance that the time will come that you will lose the fight and let someone down, How do you think this makes someone who is already depressed and whose self esteem is already battered feel? that's right worse, so while i am always willing to help others i am not willing to sign up for the act in advance simply because i cant guarantee that i will win my fight that day.

or what about those who ask you what you are doing wrong, because obviously if you arent happy it must be your fault right?

or those who attribute my wieght as the problem . Um hello thats like the chicken or the egg question you are presuming one came from the other maybe you got it wrong.

I am ashamed i am ashamed that i am not in control i am ashamed that i wish to have my decisions stripped from me, I am ashamed that the thought of death is appealing I am so ashamed.

One part of me screams that this is not my fault while another screams to get over it and yet some of me is so disdainful of my feelings i sometimes doubt i even have a problem. Maybe its just me maybe i am just lazy maybe i havent tried hard enough. I remember wanting to leave the doctors waiting room before seeing him because i felt like a fraud- its not like i have a bad life i actually have a great life or at least if i where happy i would say my life is great, i have a husband and daughter who love me very much

the constant battles weary me. How can i go on like this growing ever more tired and withdrawn ? this surely means a downward spiral. where is the respite i need?

Although i am not suicidal i would be lying if i said i hadnt thought about driving off the bridge or 'missing' the turn. I have thought about how i would feel about actually doing it. If i made the decision to do it, once i was off the bridge etc would i change my mind?would i suddenly value my life the very moment it is too late? those thoughts are a barrier to me even considering suicide. But although i am not about to kill myself, dying -lying down right now on my bed and just peacefully being done sounds like the most wonderful thing in the world. to me my greatest dreams my most restful night sleep are the nights when it seems to me i dream of nothing just blackness no feelings no hurt or pain no responsibilities just blackness i cannot describe how appealling this is to me. when we speak of outer darness at church it appeals to me, maybe it is because i equate total blackness with total blankness? the thought that where there is no light there is no feeling. numbness would be several steps up from where i am right now

Then i think of fairness why should i subject my family to this how unfair that they have to endure my pain my disconnectedness my mood swings my total lack of finding enjoyment in things. Sure sometimes i put on a brave face i mean who really wants to hang around or stay with someone who has so obviously checked out

I just want to be happy
really is that such a bad wish?
we are told to find joy in the journey i hjave one question, HOW?
how can i find joy the concept bewilders me, i feel lost lonely alone hopeless and just plain depressed how can i find joy?

so again HOW?