crappy crap crap . i want to die anyone up for killing me? meeither thast the problem. I HATE EVERYTHING life sucks

even matt thinks im not good enough, apparently while i have been saying thank you to him alot this past week- because i knew that he was having to deal with a lot- well apparently i was just throwing the thank you's out there and not meaning it. even though every time he asdked me what i was thanking him for i always had something specific in mind that i was actually thanking him for. But no not good enough, so to recap

very thankful
putting little note in his lunch
trying harder to make it through

but to be honest if its not good enough even for him why bother?

if im never gonna be good enough why try

really i cant win he complained i hadnt been saying thank you enough and i pointed out that i had been saying it alot lately and he didnt believe i meant it.

whatever its not like he sctually has to put up with me or help me feel better about myself really.....oh wait



crappy days crappy nights crappy life
i wish i could go back and redo my life as someone else mind you id probabl;y find a way to mess everything up that way too. seems im good at that. so should i just give up and do what i want? being good doesnt seem to be helping me any

some people cant help but make me laugh

i dont really fell like sleeping right now. you know today i felt like i was having a not bad day maybe even an ok day. and then... there had to be a and then didnt there? i very much dislike being called names especially when matt is making me do that self affirmation nonsense. they dont gel, im suppossed to be saying things like im a good person blah blah blah but when someone calls you an idiot well whats the point of the self affirmation since you dont really like yourself right now anyway the self affirmation is something thats suppossed to take effect down the line and in the meantime you rely on others to provide the uplifting, for others to tell you over and over again that you are a good person. SO many people have said kind things and offered there support. why is it that one stupid comment can taint all of that?

I hate not feeling like the independant person that i am i hate having my feelings about myself so strongly ties to another person that they with a look a comment can flip your mood one way or another. It makes me feel like i am WEAK.

I am not going to church tomorrow i cant bear the idea of having to put a smile on my face and pretend everything is roses. Matt doesnt know yet since i didnt want to have to deal with his disdain for me until i absolutely have to. And again shouldnt it matter more to me about how i feel than how he feels.

I wish i could build a wall around my emotions so that neither i nor anyone else can affect them.
I feel pathetic and incapable of coping with anything .i am sick myself

i feel like im falling apart, i thought i was doing ok yesterday, now i feel like i can barely breath. Matt went to work today(as he should) and i feel like i am 2 breaths away from a panic attack. depression SUCKS! it sucks the life out of you i just really want to take to my bed. I had a blessing on wednesday and now im sure the person who helped Matt thinks/knows i am a basket case i was just sobbing and sobbing i didnt even get out of bed they had to give it to me while i was lying down. then i did something so selfish it makes me ashamed ,i got matt to call my mom it was 4am for them. Im sure hearing me like that must have hurt her so much and i am so sorry, i shouldnt have done it. Matt even called a doctor because prior to the sobbing i was totally unresponsive - he thought i might have overdosed on something -luckily im not that stupid. but while i was sobbing he thought the next step was hospital. I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO A PYSCH WARD. I just want to have no responsibility and make no decisions -so exactly what the hospital would do but while being at home, granted i may be that far gone that hospital sounds appealling but i just feel unable to make any decisions and the weight of responsibility seems to be crushing me i just cant take it. I hate hate hate the idea of the stigma attached to that, depression is bad enough without being a certifiable nutcase too. The problem is at home when i dont do anything it makes me feel guilty. i just spent about 20 mins convincing myself i needed to unload the dishwasher and only managed the top shelf how sad is that , maybe i should be proud of myself for unloading anything but realistically im just dissapointed in myself that i couldnt do the whole thing ITS ONLY A FLIPPEN DISHWASHER.
I have stopped pretending to care what i look like im wearing my most comfy pants and the ones i have on right now i think i have worn all week gross right, i dont remember when i had a shower it might have been sunday . i am also wearing a blouse since i couldnt find a half decent tshirt to wear(within in arms reach of the bed anyway) yeah im that behind on laundry and i have alot of clothes. If you know me at all you know how much i love music how much it helps my mood and how if the music is on i am singing to it. Lately i havent listened to any music and now i have started to put it on wether i want to or not and sometimes i even manage to convince myself to sing. but there is no joy in it not even that the one thing that has always helped me isnt working any volunteers to come tack care of me. Im crying and i dont want to ask matt to come home.
Im starting to believe its never going to end .will i ever find joy again, will i ever be happy

dark hours

isnt it funny that we term our darkest hours as those where we suffer the most and yet at night in the darkness, the darkness is almost comforting in its nothingness

depression

sometimes like now i really just want to go hide from the world, sometimes i wish i could go to my bed and never leave, If i did that i would die there. but does that mean its a bad thing?
my laundry gets done about once a month if i can convince myself to do it, i have to fight with myself to do laundry clean the house do the dishes sometimes taking a shower is asking to much. the barrier may not be visable to you but when i get up off my behind to go do chores it is like there is a physical barrier between me and the chore i have to do this is what ifight against

The lack of motivation is such a huge part and parcel of depression , and to be honest i attribute death of a depressed person quite a bit to lack of motivation. Like i said i wish i could go to bed and never leave but logically i know that if i decide to do that or rather if i give up the fight, i will in short be signing my death certificate
lack of motivation to get up in the morning finding something to live for is so unbearably hard when you find no Joy or happiness around you when the things you used to do that you once loved enjoyed or looked forward too now seem dull mundane boring and uninspiring

then you have those who profess 'lose yourself in others and you will find yourself...' blah blah blah yes sometimes serving others plays a part in how you feel about yourself. But knowing that the act of service you sign up for or decide to do is going to require you to fight , means that you are aware that there is a chance that the time will come that you will lose the fight and let someone down, How do you think this makes someone who is already depressed and whose self esteem is already battered feel? that's right worse, so while i am always willing to help others i am not willing to sign up for the act in advance simply because i cant guarantee that i will win my fight that day.

or what about those who ask you what you are doing wrong, because obviously if you arent happy it must be your fault right?

or those who attribute my wieght as the problem . Um hello thats like the chicken or the egg question you are presuming one came from the other maybe you got it wrong.

I am ashamed i am ashamed that i am not in control i am ashamed that i wish to have my decisions stripped from me, I am ashamed that the thought of death is appealing I am so ashamed.

One part of me screams that this is not my fault while another screams to get over it and yet some of me is so disdainful of my feelings i sometimes doubt i even have a problem. Maybe its just me maybe i am just lazy maybe i havent tried hard enough. I remember wanting to leave the doctors waiting room before seeing him because i felt like a fraud- its not like i have a bad life i actually have a great life or at least if i where happy i would say my life is great, i have a husband and daughter who love me very much

the constant battles weary me. How can i go on like this growing ever more tired and withdrawn ? this surely means a downward spiral. where is the respite i need?

Although i am not suicidal i would be lying if i said i hadnt thought about driving off the bridge or 'missing' the turn. I have thought about how i would feel about actually doing it. If i made the decision to do it, once i was off the bridge etc would i change my mind?would i suddenly value my life the very moment it is too late? those thoughts are a barrier to me even considering suicide. But although i am not about to kill myself, dying -lying down right now on my bed and just peacefully being done sounds like the most wonderful thing in the world. to me my greatest dreams my most restful night sleep are the nights when it seems to me i dream of nothing just blackness no feelings no hurt or pain no responsibilities just blackness i cannot describe how appealling this is to me. when we speak of outer darness at church it appeals to me, maybe it is because i equate total blackness with total blankness? the thought that where there is no light there is no feeling. numbness would be several steps up from where i am right now

Then i think of fairness why should i subject my family to this how unfair that they have to endure my pain my disconnectedness my mood swings my total lack of finding enjoyment in things. Sure sometimes i put on a brave face i mean who really wants to hang around or stay with someone who has so obviously checked out

I just want to be happy
really is that such a bad wish?
we are told to find joy in the journey i hjave one question, HOW?
how can i find joy the concept bewilders me, i feel lost lonely alone hopeless and just plain depressed how can i find joy?

so again HOW?